Humor, Review and Preview

I'm just trying to be helpful

2008-08-05T16:17:00.000+07:00

I'm just trying to be helpful

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.

He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

The Girls Next Door

2008-07-17T19:00:00.000+07:00

The house at 1212 1/2 West Front Street in Plainfield, N.J., is a conventional midcentury home with slate-gray siding, white trim and Victorian lines. When I stood in front of it on a breezy day in October, I could hear the cries of children from the playground of an elementary school around the corner. American flags fluttered from porches and windows. The neighborhood is a leafy, middle-class Anytown. The house is set back off the street, near two convenience stores and a gift shop. On the door of Superior Supermarket was pasted a sign issued by the Plainfield police: ''Safe neighborhoods save lives.'' The store's manager, who refused to tell me his name, said he never noticed anything unusual about the house, and never heard anything. But David Miranda, the young man behind the counter of Westside Convenience, told me he saw girls from the house roughly once a week. ''They came in to buy candy and soda, then went back to the house,'' he said. The same girls rarely came twice, and they were all very young, Miranda said. They never asked for anything beyond what they were purchasing; they certainly never asked for help. Cars drove up to the house all day; nice cars, all kinds of cars. Dozens of men came and went. ''But no one here knew what was really going on,'' Miranda said. And no one ever asked.

On a tip, the Plainfield police raided the house in February 2002, expecting to find illegal aliens working an underground brothel. What the police found were four girls between the ages of 14 and 17. They were all Mexican nationals without documentation. But they weren't prostitutes; they were sex slaves. The distinction is important: these girls weren't working for profit or a paycheck. They were captives to the traffickers and keepers who controlled their every move. ''I consider myself hardened,'' Mark J. Kelly, now a special agent with Immigration and Customs Enforcement (the largest investigative arm of the Department of Homeland Security), told me recently. ''I spent time in the Marine Corps. But seeing some of the stuff I saw, then heard about, from those girls was a difficult, eye-opening experience.''

The police found a squalid, land-based equivalent of a 19th-century slave ship, with rancid, doorless bathrooms; bare, putrid mattresses; and a stash of penicillin, ''morning after'' pills and misoprostol, an antiulcer medication that can induce abortion. The girls were pale, exhausted and malnourished.

It turned out that 1212 1/2 West Front Street was one of what law-enforcement officials say are dozens of active stash houses and apartments in the New York metropolitan area -- mirroring hundreds more in other major cities like Los Angeles, Atlanta and Chicago -- where under-age girls and young women from dozens of countries are trafficked and held captive. Most of them -- whether they started out in Eastern Europe or Latin America -- are taken to the United States through Mexico. Some of them have been baited by promises of legitimate jobs and a better life in America; many have been abducted; others have been bought from or abandoned by their impoverished families.

Because of the porousness of the U.S.-Mexico border and the criminal networks that traverse it, the towns and cities along that border have become the main staging area in an illicit and barbaric industry, whose ''products'' are women and girls. On both sides of the border, they are rented out for sex for as little as 15 minutes at a time, dozens of times a day. Sometimes they are sold outright to other traffickers and sex rings, victims and experts say. These sex slaves earn no money, there is nothing voluntary about what they do and if they try to escape they are often beaten and sometimes killed.

Last September, in a speech before the United Nations General Assembly, President Bush named sex trafficking as ''a special evil,'' a multibillion-dollar ''underground of brutality and lonely fear,'' a global scourge alongside the AIDS epidemic. Influenced by a coalition of religious organizations, the Bush administration has pushed international action on the global sex trade. The president declared at the U.N. that ''those who create these victims and profit from their suffering must be severely punished'' and that ''those who patronize this industry debase themselves and deepen the misery of others. And governments that tolerate this trade are tolerating a form of slavery.''

PAMELA ANDERSON WAS IN ON 'BORAT' JOKE

2008-07-17T18:50:00.000+07:00

PAMELA ANDERSON WAS IN ON 'BORAT' JOKE

November 8, 2006 -- PAMELA Anderson looks completely caught off guard and highly distressed as a bag is thrown over her head and she's chased through a bookstore by Sacha Baron Cohen in the box-office smash "Borat" - but the buxom blond beauty was actually in on the joke.

Unlike other pranks in the movie that bring together real people and Cohen in his role as the imbecilic Kazakhstan journalist, Anderson's gonzo confrontation with him was loosely scripted, then carefully choreographed with jerky camera movements to make it look real.

An insider told us, "There's no way Sacha and a camera operator could have gotten past her bodyguards in real life and then manhandled her . . . It was filmed by pros so it looks completely realistic, as if Pamela had no clue. There is improvisation, but nobody was in the dark."

Not that anybody connected to the film will admit that. Neither 20th Century Fox nor Anderson returned our calls. When MTV News confronted her about her participation, Anderson said cryptically, "I can't really say. I'm sworn to secrecy." She also gushed, "I love Sacha, he's such a nice guy."

Director Larry Charles was vague as well: "All I can say was that she was extremely good-humored about what happened to her."

In fact, Anderson and Cohen are old friends and have pulled pranks before. Last year, a "commitment ceremony" between her golden retriever, Star, and Chihuahua, Luca, was crashed by Cohen in a Borat segment for his "Da Ali G. Show."

MTV News, which probed whether the "Borat" scene was real, concluded it was "likely . . . that Baron Cohen and Anderson arranged the ruse together, and then hired unknowing guards to react to the events."

Others weren't so lucky. Feminist Linda Stein was told she was being interviewed about the plight of women, only to hear Borat call Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice a "chocolate lady." She and others were paid a few hundred dollars and made to sign waivers against claims for "offensive behavior." But some lawyers feel the waivers may be null and void because of the deception.

Best Bush Jokes, 2000-2004

2008-07-17T18:37:00.002+07:00

Best Bush Jokes, 2000-2004

"Down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, 'Mission accomplished!'" --David Letterman

"During the debate, Bush was asked by a lady to name three mistakes he's made. And Bush responded, 'This debate, the last debate and the next debate.'" —Bill Maher

"Bush bragged that more Iraqis say their country is on the right track than Americans say our country is on the right track. Boy, there’s a campaign slogan for you — 'America: More F*cked Up Than Fallujah!'" —Bill Maher

"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration." —David Letterman

"President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out." —Jay Leno

http://politicalhumor.about.com

Barack Obama tops poll on economic matters

2008-07-17T18:25:00.001+07:00

Democrat presidential candidate, Barack Obama, now holds an advantage over rival John McCain.

In a new Washington Post-ABC News poll Obama has been given an 8-point advantage among registered voters.

It is Obama's lead on the economy that has become a particularly steep challenge for McCain.

Economic concerns are going to challenge the presidential nominees with gasoline and energy prices coming in as the top issues.

The Iraq war ranks further down the list.

Terrorism also ranks below the top three with issues such as education, health care and Social Security dotted throughout the poll.

Obama holds the edge over McCain on many areas of domestic policy with Americans remaining in a generally unhappy mood about the Bush administration.

Appreciation: Carlin's piercing humor made him a classic

2008-07-17T18:20:00.001+07:00

Appreciation: Carlin's piercing humor made him a classic

By Roger Moore

Orlando Sentinel

Article Last Updated: 06/23/2008 06:14:13 PM PDT

Wonder if he got "the two-minute warning"?

George Carlin's fans know what I'm talking about. It's part of a routine he did in the '70s, about the possibility of getting notice that you're about to die ... a voice inside your head that goes, "TWO MINUTES. Get your (Bleep) together."

His spirit's probably lurking beneath my car, chewing off the timing belt for censoring him like that, but hey, this ain't HBO.

There have been a few showbiz folks I've had chats with over the years who seem to have cheated death, so much so that it was worth making that the whole subject of the interview. Jerry Lewis was one. And he's still going. George Carlin was another. Here's a piece of a story I wrote about him, before an Orlando appearance, after several health scares that ate up the late 1990s.

"Put these words on George Carlin's tombstone.

'Too hip for the room.'

Second choice?

'Gee, he was just here a minute ago.'"

Carlin, one of the funniest men in stand-up comedy history, from his "hippy dippy weather man" antics of the '60s to his eminence grise appearances in recent comedy documentaries such as "The Aristocrats," died of heart failure Sunday night. He was 71.

Yo, NBC-MSNBC, Fox et al. If Tim Russert was worth a weekend's orgy of obits and tributes, what do you do with a guy like Carlin, a true innovator, a force in popular culture like no other in stand-up comedy history? A month's coverage? He'll probably come back and haunt your airwaves if you do, but still, a little perspective here.

The stand-up's stand-up, a funny man in person, on stage or on the phone (Carlin reacted hilariously to an Orlando Sentinel fire alarm that went off, mid-chat, in our last interview. "Jesus, is that you? Is it time?") he evolved from a comic who did "bits" to a free-form ranter, with a lot of "Didya ever notice" in between.

Carlin said the "seven words you can never say" and created an FCC radio scandal, pretty much perfected scatology as a source of stage humor (and then moved on), spent a lot of time blasting religion, politics, anorexia and all manner of political correctness and American sensititivites. Amusingly, he lived long enough to see those seven words turn up on TV, and not just on cable, and enter American mainstream discourse.

He all but invented the stand-up comedy TV special for HBO, helped launch "Saturday Night Live," graced more than a few movies ("Cars," "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey," "Prince of Tides," "Outrageous Fortune") often playing a hippie. In fact, when we think of "hippies," the whole "Hey man, cool man, how's your old lady, man?" shtick, their benign place in American culture, comes straight from Carlin. He owned up to that in movies (he was the hippie microbus in "Cars") and on TV (running a health-food commune in "The Simpsons").

I remember the older kids at Boy Scout camp in the '70s all had portions of his stand-up bits memorized, my first exposure to the dude ... the "seven dirty words," the nuances in meaning in the way one says one of those seven dirty words (starts with an "s"), his classic ode to (long) hair.

"My wife bought some hair at a fair, to use as a spare. Did I despair? Au contraire. Spare hair is fair."

His comparison of baseball to football? Classic, as well. Go read it.

I sensed a bitterness in the work the last time I talked with him in 2000. His outrage at the world seemed to have hardened him a bit. But his ability to find that outrage funny never wavered.

The dirtiest word in his dirty-word-happy Web site www.georgecarlin.com?

"Religion," he said from his Los Angeles home. "Because it's one of the worst things that ever happened to the human heart and the human mind. ... To surrender all the reason and potential of the human mind to a man in the sky who exists just to punish you seems very primitive to me."

A lot of Carlin's views on religion — he was raised a Catholic — fit neatly into his role as a cynical cardinal in the recent religious satire "Dogma."

"I always like taking a good, clean shot at the Catholic Church, and that movie certainly was that," he said with a chuckle.

Cool dude. Just cool. We'll miss you, man.

Conference Call Services Ratings – Know Before You Go

2008-07-17T07:10:00.000+07:00

When it comes to conference call services ratings, it is important that you know the best of the best before your next conference calls.

In this review, we will take a look at six of the top conference calling service providers, and provide you with honest, unbiased opinions of each. This will help you in choosing the best provider for your needs, your business, and your calls.

Conference Call Service Ratings
ConferenceCall.com
ConferenceCall.com offers web and audio conference calling to their clients and customers. Starting at $0.19 per minute USD, you can enjoy many benefits and high quality services.

For example, with audio conference calls, you have the choice of a reservationless service called Ready-Call. This is something like conferencing on demand when you want it and need it.

Their audio service also offers international and operator assisted audio conferencing calls.

With web conferencing, you can customize your conference to suit your needs. Some features include meeting recording, control transfer, viewer interaction, live web page viewing, application sharing, and slideshows.

For $0.27 USD per minute, you have the choice of reports, invitations, whiteboards, chatting, question and answer sessions, as well as instant or pre-scheduled meetings and so much more.

The downside of ConferenceCall.com is that audio service advertises for $0.19 per minute; however, this applies to reservationless services only.

Operator assisted conference calling requires a scheduling fee and cancellation fee, and the automated services is $0.22 USD per minute.

Overall, conference call services rating for ConferenceCall.com is an 8.

FreeConference.com
FreeConference.com offers three different levels of conferencing calls services; Reservationless Standard, Web-Scheduled Standard, and Web-Scheduled Premium 800.

Each level is available with difference services and features. For example, the two free versions Reservationless Standard and Web-Scheduled Standard, offers conference sizes of 50 and 100 people respectively.

Furthermore, both have a duration of no longer than three hours each. The reservationless standard option requires no account, works for any telephone, and does not require a computer.

However, web-scheduled standard services, requires an account, computer, but offers extensive security, automated invitations, calendaring with Lotus and Outlook, as well as 24-hour access.

Their premium services, which comes at a price of $0.10 per caller, per minute, offers so much more. For example, a toll free number, customer support, priority scheduling, and conference recording, all with 150 participant maximum and five hours of conference calls.

Where FreeConference.com loses its conference call services rating is that although it is called FreeConference.com and does offer two types of free conference calls, in order to really get top notched service and customer support, you need to purchase the premium services.

Overall, conference call services rating for FreeConference.com is a 5.

Bigfoot Conference Call
Conferencing.bigfoot.com offers three different conference calling solutions, web conferencing, dial-out teleconferencing, and dial-in teleconferencing.

Dial-in teleconferencing provides customers with the ability to accommodate larger groups of people, as many as 200 callers.

Furthermore, you can send invitations, schedule and manage your conferences, outlook calendar meetings, participant control, control over lines, and online billing statements.

Dial-Out teleconferencing is for those who need instantaneous meetings at a moments notice. You get many of the same benefits as with dial-in, but including date or audio conferencing reports and participant administration.

Web conferencing offers audio and video at the same time, participant window, area of discussion, whiteboard, application sharing, and presentation tools. This can be combined with the dial-out and dial-in options as well.

The downside of Bigfoot conference call is that although they offer international services, their rates are not clear and precise. Instead they confuse the process with rate varies and long distant call notes.

Overall, conference call services rating for Bigfoot Conference Call is a 7.

ECI Conferencing Services
At calleci.com, you have your choice of several different services for your conference calls. ECI offers services for events, investor relations, audio, and web conferencing call services, as well as reservationless services.

The best thing about ECI is their support. No matter when or why you need audio conferencing, they are available. Their reservationless system is available to you twenty-four hours per day and seven days per week.

If operator assisted calling is more suitable for your needs, they also offer friendly and knowledgeable operators to help you with all your conference needs.

For their reservationless services, you have the ability to call a conference meeting at any time of the day. You can choose from dedicated or one time usages complete with passcodes and call in numbers. You also have your choice of international toll free, US toll free, or dial in toll access.

The system notifies you upon exit or entry of any participant, as well as extensive security options to ensure your information and call is safe and secure. You can take roll call; identify moderators with a special pass code, and all of this without the need to make appointments.

The downside to calleci.com is that their pricing plan is not immediately available on their website, at least not that we found.

Overall, conference call services rating for ECI Conference Call is a 4.

Accuconference.com
Accuconference.com offers a wide range of services to their customers. They offer choices such as:
Web Conferencing
Events
Operated-Assisted Calls
Flat Rate Calls
International Calls
Toll Free calls
With all of these you have a host of features readily available at your fingers tips. For example, you can designated different codes for participants, speakers, and moderators.

Other features include pre conference, customized greetings and hold music, recording playback, registration, controls on the desktop, and event planning. If that wasn't enough, accounting codes, Q & A, call recording, call history, conference management, and online scheduler are all available as well.

The combination of all these features contributes to a very high conference call services rating.

One more great thing about Accuconference.com is that they offer an online rate calculator, which allows you to accurately estimate the total costs of your conference calls before you begin. Sign up is easy and you can be activated in two minutes.

Overall, conference call services rating for Accuconference.com is a 9.

Saveonconferences.com
Saveonconferences.com offers a wide range of services, all of which are easy to use, reliable, and of high quality.

They offer you the ability to try their services at no risk to you, by giving you sixty minutes of conferencing for no charge. Saveonconferences.com outlines everything in great details, so you always know what you are getting.

Some services include reservationless conferencing such as dial-in, international dial-in, dial-out, web conferencing, and meeting center. Everything is automated for your convenience and some features come free when you purchase other conferencing plans.

You can also choose operated assisted calls, as well as twenty-four hour customer support. They key to this service is that you only pay for the minutes you actually use, instead of an upfront fee that you might not get full use of. You also get download free web conferencing, discounts for volume, and flexibility in methods of payment.

The up and down of this service is that if you only use conferencing now and then it may not be worth while. However, if you frequent conferencing services, you will enjoy a lower price the more minutes you use.

Overall, conference call services ratings for Saveonconferences.com is a 6.

Find Lemon Law Lawyer

2008-07-17T07:07:00.000+07:00

Lemon Law

By Teresa Ambord

Lemon Laws were passed at the federal level to stand between consumers and the manufacturers of defective vehicles. Before Lemon Laws, consumers were at an almost impossible disadvantage if the vehicle they purchased turned out to be a loser or lemon.

Dealerships could just keep forcing the consumer to bring the vehicle into their repair shop, depriving the owner of the use indefinitely. Thanks to the Lemon Laws, if you have a vehicle that is a true lemon, the manufacturer may be forced to repurchase the vehicle from you, or replace it, if a reasonable number of repair attempts have not fixed the problem.
Lemon Law Defined

The legal definition of lemon law depends on your state law. It can mean that your new car, truck, motor home, or motorcycle spends too many days in the repair shop, or that the same problem keeps recurring, or that the vehicle has a lot of different problems.
My Car Meets the Definition of A Lemon. Now What?

First talk to the dealer. Chances are you've already been in contact with him and haven't had much success. But let him know that you are aware your vehicle is a lemon, you've reviewed your state lemon law, and that you expect him to cooperate.
Lemon Law - To Contact Your Car's Manufacturer

If talking to your dealer has not gotten you any satisfaction, call the manufacturer. Regardless of what you are told, don't assume that the dealer has contacted the manufacturer on your behalf. Log onto this website below to find the phone number you need.
Manufacturer's Toll Free Phone Number
Lemon Law & the Better Business Bureau (BBB)

The BBB may be able to act as a liaison between the consumer and the manufacturer if necessary. Not all manufacturers participate in this dispute resolution program. If not, the BBB may still be able to help open communication.
Better Business Bureau Auto Line
Lemon Law - Still No luck?

If all other avenues fail, you may need to contact a Lemon Law Lawyer or Lemon Law Attorney. Most of them will give you a free consultation and estimate.
Lemon Law - One Consumer's Story

A consumer took his one-year-old car to a repair shop and was asked, "What happened to this poor car?"

The surprised owner explained that the car only had some small scratches from a minor fender bender.

"No, this car has been in a major accident," explained the repairman. He showed the consumer where significant repairs and been done before the car was sold.

Armed with the repairman's statement, the consumer went back to the dealer and demanded compensation. The truth was, the car had been driven 200 miles from the manufacturer to the dealership, and en route, had suffered a major accident. The car was repaired and sold as brand new.

The dealer balked, but the owner was persistent and patient. Even though the consumer had driven the car for over a year, the dealer replaced the damaged car with a brand new one, at no extra cost to the consumer.

Not all stories end so well, but this consumer was tenacious enough to hang in there. He did it without the help of a lemon law attorney, though, if you need one, don't discount what a good lemon law attorney can do for you.
Lemon Law - Next Time, Before You Buy...

If you are still only shopping and want to check out a car to see if it is a lemon, go to CARFAX for a vehicle history.

All in one Jokes

2008-07-17T03:49:00.002+07:00

Love Jokes :

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts,

John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.You don’t suppose she took it, do you?"

Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ’did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ’did not’ take a gravy ladle.But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ’do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ’do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Drug addicts

Two Teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time.

The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.

The judge said, "That was great how did you do that?"

The Boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison.'"

Rehab jokes :

A joke about rehab. I can neither confirm nor deny weather or not I was in rehab when this was said. Please note that they offered me drugs to help me sleep on my first night there for an unnecissary weekend stay - typical navy care.

Funny Jokes

2008-07-17T03:41:00.000+07:00

Funny Friendship

Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always

sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a

series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against

the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much

worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well

again. I don’t want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass

Computers Joke

2008-07-17T03:06:00.000+07:00

The Twelve Days of Windows 95
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

Windows 95 for my PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

9 apps a crashin'
8 megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

11 instructions faulty
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

12 illegal operations
11 instructions faulty
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

Special for mybloglog Communities (mine of course)

2008-07-15T07:51:00.001+07:00

Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew:

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point bank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - Not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Men are from earth; women are from earth. Deal with it.
26. Nothing says, "I love you" like sex.

And We Wonder Why Aliens Don't Visit Us...

2008-07-14T21:44:00.001+07:00

Survey for nerds (long post but great )

2008-07-14T16:51:00.000+07:00

INTRODUCTION:

Hello, and welcome to the nerdity test. This test is designed to help you determine your nerdity quotient. In the past, someone may have watched you, or listened to something you said and then exclaimed, "You geek! What do you think you are doing?" Or maybe it's just us. In any event, we here at the nerdity testing lab were prompted to ask "just what is a nerd?" In response, we came up with this test. By taking it, you will determine your current nerdity quotient (from 0% to 100%), with 100% roughly corresponding to a pile of sludge unable to communicate with anything human except through a device that is a miracle of modern medicine and engineering, and whose only connection to the outside world is through the computer internet system.

GRADING:

As this test is being distributed primarily in places of high concentrations of known nerds, and nerds in turn tend to have nerd friends, that someone who has never heard of or seen the nerdity test is assumed to be 0% nerd. However, once such knowledge comes to them, they are immediately placed in the 100% nerdity category. This is done because it is also assumed that only a true geek would utter something to the effect of: "Nerdity test?!? What a stupid concept! I'm too cool to take something as dumb as that." The values in between are determined by taking the test and scoring it as follows.

For each question below for which you can answer "yes" or "true", take one point. At the end of the test, divide the total number of points you scored by the total number of questions in the test. Treat this number as a percentage that represents your nerdity quotient.

Some of the questions will have parentheticals at the end of them. What is contained within the parentheticals is a short list of examples relating to the given question. The list is not to be taken as all inclusive but merely as suggestions that might apply.

All technicalities count - after all, being technical is half of what being a nerd is all about.

RECOMMENDATIONS and HINTS:

It is felt that for maximum enjoyment, you should respond out loud with your answers. You should treat each "yes" that you say as a personal catharsis of what you are doing wrong (or right depending on your opinion of nerdity) and each "no" may then be disputed by your peers. In this way, errors due to lying or personal oversight are avoided and the test also has a therapeutic effect for the closet nerd. As an aside, information gleaned about others should be treated confidentially. Each of us has a dork-side that we don't want others to know about.

Experiment shows that nerdity CAN be cured! With effort and personal sacrifice... The nerdity quotient is a cross between proclivity toward as well as actual current status in nerddom. Some questions are "have you ever..." while others are "do you now...". The former register the fact that you have a propensity toward nerdity, while the later acknowledge the fact that you are currently geeking. Obviously, as your answers toward the "do you now" type questions change, so will your nerd quotient.

Please use only a number two pencil. Mark all answers in your blue book. Shake well before using. Lather. Rinse. Repeat as desired. Show all work. Refrigerate after opening. No partial credit will be given. A table of useful formulas is included at the end. You may begin.... NOW!

SECTION 1: Education and Schooling

1. Have you ever taken a "higher" math course? (Trig, Calculus)

2. ...at the college level?

3. ...and received an A (3.7 grade point)?

4. Are you still capable of doing what you learned in the course of #1?

5. Have you ever taken a science course? (Biology, Physics, Chemistry)

6. ...at the college level?

7. ...and received an A (3.7 grade point)?

8. Are you still capable of doing what you learned in the course of #5?

9. Have you ever majored in the "hard sciences"? (engineering, physics chemistry, etc. but excluding psychology, economics, etc.)

10. Have you ever taken Latin?

11. Have you ever asked a question in lecture?

12. Have you ever answered a question asked in lecture?

13. Have you ever corrected a professor in lecture?

14. Have you ever answered a rhetorical question?

15. Have you ever given a lecture?

16. Do you sit in the front row more than 20% of the time?

17. Have you ever had a "perfect attendance record"?

18. Have you ever verified an equation in a science text on your own? (i.e. experimental proof)

19. Have you ever derived an equation you found in a science text?

20. ...when you didn't have to?

21. ...using other principles? (starting from a different equation than the text did)

22. Do you take notes in more than one color?

23. Do you use other props when taking notes? (ruler, compass, protractor)

24. Have you ever tutored someone else?

25. Have you ever done homework on a Friday night?

26. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

27. Have you taken any classes pass/fail just to preserve your GPA?

28. Have you ever known more about the subject material than the lecturer?

29. ...but continued in the class because you "needed the grade?"

30. ...and had the lecturer admit this fact to you?

31. Have you ever had an argument with a professor?

32. Did you win?

33. Has a lecturer ever referred someone to you as being more knowledgeable?

34. Did you apply to any college merely for the sake of "seeing if I would get in"?

35. Was your SAT math more than 300 above your verbal?

36. Did you score higher than 1200 combined on the SAT?

SECTION 2: Knowledge

37. Can you count in binary? (up to decimal 10)

38. Can you count in hexadecimal? (up to decimal 20)

39. Can you count in Roman numerals?

40. Do you know Maxwell's equations? (integral or differential form)

41. Do you know Schroedinger's Equation?

42. Have you ever solved Schroedinger's Equation?

43. ...for fun?

44. Do you know the difference between a scalar and a vector?

45. Do you know the difference between a vector and a tensor?

46. Do you know the right-hand-rule for cross-products?

47. Do you know the Latin name (genus and species) for anything? (fruit fly, human being)

48. Can you understand the owner's manual for electronic equipment?

49. Can you understand the electronic schematic for electronic equipment?

50. Do you know what a "reverse polish notation" calculator is?

51. Can you name the first nine elements of the periodic table in order?

52. Can you translate more than half the chemical symbols into the name of the element they represent?

53. Do you know the wavelengths in the visible spectrum?

54. Are you bilingual?

55. ...and not an immigrant or child of an immigrant?

56. Can you briefly outline the biological process that occur due to alcohol when it is consumed by a human?

57. ...while drunk?

58. Do you know how your car's engine works?

59. Have you ever interpolated?

60. Have you ever extrapolated?

61. Do you know the difference between interpolation and extrapolation?

62. Have you ever integrated numerically?

63. ...and known the result ahead of time?

64. ...and complained about how slow the computer was?

65. Have you ever seen or utilized the spherical harmonic functions?

66. ...and found them aesthetically pleasing?

67. Do you know most of the words to "The Lumberjack Song" by Monty Python?

68. Do you own an encyclopedia?

69. Have you ever read an encyclopedia entry that you weren't researching?

70. Have you ever wanted to know something for no apparent reason?

71. Have you ever been laughed at for wanting to know something?

72. Can you program the time on a VCR?

73. Has anyone ever asked you to program their VCR time for them?

74. Have you ever used the word "asymptotic"?

75. Have you ever referred to something as an L.E.D.?

76. Have you ever referred to a ruler as a "straight-edge"?

77. Have you ever said "quartz crystal"?

78. Have you ever called something a "print out" or "hard copy"?

79. Have you ever referred to a curve/object as hyperbolic, parabolic, etc.?

80. Do you feel your vocabulary is larger than most people's?

81. Is your IQ greater than your weight?

Answer YES if you know what the following acronyms stand for. Note: it may be useful to actually state out loud what you think the acronym stands for as your interpretation may be wrong or not the nerdy one being sought after.

82. ...RADAR?

83. ...MODEM?

84. ...RAM?

85. ...DNA?

86. ...ATP?

87. ...NADP?

88. ...CRT?

89. ...CRC?

90. ...STP?

91. ...NORAD?

92. ...NASA?

93. ...MUD?

94. ...LED?

95. ...AI?

96. ...LASER?

97. ...RPG?

98. ...TLA?

99. ...SCUBA?

100. ...WYSIWYG?

101. ...DAT?

102. ...PINE?

103. ...JOVE?

104. Did you not know one of the above, but took a wild guess at in anyway?

105. Have you ever created an acronym in order to simplify your writing?

The next few questions deal with physical constants. Mark yes for any that you can give the value (2 or more significant digits) for. Knowledge of the units attached is NOT necessary, just the numeric portion.

106. gravitational constant? (G)

107. earth's gravity near the surface? (g)

108. mass of an electron?

109. charge of an electron?

110. speed of light in vacuum?

111. speed of sound at STP?

112. Planck's constant? (h or h-bar)

113. permittivity of free space? (epsilon naught)

114. permeability of free space? (mu naught)

115. Avogadro's number?

116. molar gas constant?

117. pi? (exception: must know more than 3 digits)

118. Mark this true if you are presently the person knowing the most digits of pi in the room.

119. e? (exception: must know more than 3 digits)

Can you give the conversion factor between... (2 or more sig. digits)

120. ...centimeters and inches?

121. ...kilometers and miles?

122. ...joules and electron-volts?

123. ...atomic mass units and kilograms?

124. ...Celsius and Kelvin?

125. ...Celsius and Fahrenheit?

126. ...meters and Astronomical Units (AU)?

127. ...AU and light years?

128. ...light years and parsecs?

129. If, while answering any question in this section, you said someone else's answer was wrong and were right, mark this question true. (e.g. "you nob! Pi isn't 3.1425. It's 3.1415!")

130. If while answering any question in this section, you checked a reference book to find out the correct answer, mark this question true. (e.g. "AARRGGH! What's that last R in radar stand for?")

SECTION 3: Computers

131. Have you ever used a computer?

132. ...for more than 4 hours continuously?

133. ...for more than 8 hours continuously?

134. ...past 4 a.m.?

135. ...as a source of income?

136. ...on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the same weekend?

137. ...with someone you were physically attracted toward?

138. ...for money?

139. ...in the last 24 hours?

140. ...in the last half hour?

141. ...as a source of entertainment? (computer game)

142. ...in the last three months?

143. ...in the last three weeks?

144. Have you ever programmed a computer?

145. ...to write a computer game?

146. ...to write a computer virus?

147. ...to write a shell script?

148. Do you still own any computer with less than 512k of RAM? (e.g. Commodore 64, Apple II +/e/c, TRS 80, ad infinitum)

149. ...that is still in working condition?

150. ...and still buy software for it?

151. Do you own more than one computer with at least a megabyte of RAM?

152. Do you own any computer which would be classified as a work station?

153. Have you ever taken your computer on vacation with you?

154. Have you ever lost sleep over a computer game?

Have you ever used a ...

155. mouse?

156. hard disk drive?

157. light-pen?

158. computer with a touch sensitive monitor?

159. track-ball?

160. ...for something other than a video game?

161. Devorak keyboard? (as opposed to QWERTY)

162. modem?

163. Have you ever seen a magnetic tape reel?

164. Have you ever mounted a magnetic tape reel?

165. Have you ever seen a computer punch card?

166. Have you ever programmed using punch cards?

167. Are you still capable of programming with punch cards?

168. Do you have any "pirated" software? (i.e. second-hand copywritten)

169. Do you have any "public-domain" software?

170. Do you have any "shareware"? (i.e. software author requests a fee be sent to them for its use)

171. Do you currently own a modem capable of 14.4kbs or faster?

172. Do you still own any modem whose top speed is 300 baud or less?

173. Have you ever telnet'ed from one computer system to another?

174. ...to gain access to a system you had no authorization on?

175. ...to call a government computer? (NASA, FBI, NORAD, etc.)

176. ...to call a research institution? (CERN, JPL, etc.)

177. ...where the other machine was outside of your native country?

178. Do you have an electronic mail address?

179. ...more than one e-mail address?

180. Have you ever sent e-mail?

181. ...to yourself?

182. ...to someone who was in the same room as you at the time?

183. ...with a .sig file appended to the end of it?

184. ...in the last week?

185. Have you ever set up and run a mailing list for e-mail?

186. Do you receive more e-mail than you send?

187. Have you ever FTP'd?

188. ...anonymously?

189. Have you ever uploaded?

190. Have you ever downloaded?

191. Have you ever multi-tasked? (ran 2+ applications concurrently)

192. Have you ever set up a kill file?

193. ...that does more than simply 'kill'?

194. Do you have a .plan or similar file for when people finger you?

195. Have you set up a login.com or similar file for auto-execution on logging unto a computer system? (autoexec.bat, login.com...)

196. Do you use alias/batch commands to standardize your OS? (e.g. alias dir ls)

197. Have you ever read the postings on USENET?

198. ...in the last week?

199. Have you posted to USENET?

200. ...and gotten a response?

201. ...from someone you knew outside of the net?

202. ...and gotten a "flame"?

Have you ever posted to...

203. ...a science fiction news group? (rec.arts.sf)

204. ...a sex news group? (alt.sex)

205. ...talk.bizarre?

206. ...rec.humor?

207. ...a sci. or science-related news group?

208. Have you ever written a FAQ for a USENET news group?

209. Have you ever run a vote for a USENET news group?

210. Have you ever moderated a USENET news group?

211. Have you played any MUD's, MUSH's or other multi-user games?

212. ...in the last week?

213. ...today?

214. Do you consistently play more than one MUD, MUSH, etc.?

215. Are you a "wizard/implementor/immortal" on any MUD's, MUSH's, etc.?

216. Do you have GIF files as wallpaper?

217. Is part of your desk space devoted to your computer?

218. Have you ever built a computer?

219. ...from chips?

220. Do you have a favorite computer language?

221. ...that you've had to defend in verbal debate?

Which of the following computer languages do you know...

222. ...BASIC?

223. ...PASCAL?

224. ...FORTRAN?

225. ...assembly language?

226. ...C?

227. Have you ever forgotten a person's name but not their e-mail address?

228. Do you know more computer addresses than street addresses?

229. Do you tend to remember the IP numbers instead of the alpha address for computer sites? (128.253.232.63 vs. crux3.cit.cornell.edu)

230. Do you find that you type more often than you write longhand?

231. Have you ever forgotten how to write longhand?

232. Have you ever used computer symbology elsewhere? (goto, *, etc.)

233. Have you ever spoken internet-ese? (btw, imho, :), brb, afk)

234. Have you ever blown off doing something you were supposed to do in order to work on the computer?

235. Have you ever felt jealous of someone merely because they owned a better computer system than you?

SECTION 4: Possessions

236. Do you frequently find yourself with more plugs than outlets?

237. Do you currently own a can of WD-40?

238. Do you currently own a can of compressed air?

239. Do you have a personal copy of any version of the nerdity test?

240. ...in space allocated to you on a computer system?

241. Have you ever owned a light saber (Star Wars)?

242. ...that wasn't made of plastic?

243. Do you own an 8-track tape player or any 8-track tapes?

244. Do you own an almanac? (World, Farmer's)

245. Do you own an atlas?

246. Do you own a globe?

247. ...and have it on display? (on a desk, bookshelf...)

248. ...that has bumps corresponding to mountain ranges?

249. ...that lights up?

250. Do you own any "maps of the ancient world"?

251. ...and have them on display?

252. Do you have any "mathematical" artwork? (Escher, fractals)

253. Have you ever faxed something?

254. Have you ever received a fax?

255. Do you own a cellular phone? (car phone)

256. Do you own a non-standard calculator? (scientific, programmable)

257. Do you own a "reverse polish notation" calculator?

258. Do you own a slide rule?

259. ...and know how to use it?

260. Other than a thermometer, do you own any meteorological equipment?

261. Do you own any orienteering equipment? (compass, sextant, etc.)

262. Do you own a pencil case?

263. Do you own any mechanical pencil?

264. ...and have refills for it?

265. Do you own an electric pencil sharpener?

266. Do you own a laboratory notebook?

267. Do you own any graph paper? (quad-ruled)

268. Do you own any log or semi-log paper?

269. Do you own a table of integrals?

270. Have you ever stolen scientific (radiation, biohazard) warnings for personal use?

SECTION 5: Leisure Time

271. Have you ever taken something apart?

272. ...and put it back together correctly?

273. ...without worrying about voiding the warranty?

274. Do friends and/or family ask you to fix things?

275. Do friends and/or family ask to borrow your tools?

276. ...because you are the only person they know who OWNS that tool?

277. Have you ever put something together without reference to the assembly instructions?

278. Have you ever bought something primarily for the pleasure of taking it apart to "see how it works"?

279. Have you ever rewired something?

280. Have you ever played a non-sexual role-playing game? (D&D)

281. ...since leaving high school?

282. Have you ever been to a RPG convention? (GenCON, etc.)

283. ...in the last six months?

284. Have you ever taken a "self help" test?

285. Do you derive perverse pleasure from self-help tests?

286. Do you ever lord your scores on such tests over people around you?

287. Have you ever dissected something?

288. ...while not involved in a biology class?

289. Do you play chess?

290. Were you ever on a chess team?

291. ...on a math team?

292. ...on a debate team?

293. ...on a "trivia" team? (college bowl, JEOPARDY)

294. ...the captain for any of the teams listed above?

295. ...the coach for any of the teams listed above?

296. Did you ever join one of the above teams for the purpose of picking up members of the opposite sex?

297. Were you ever in a science fair?

298. ...that you placed in the top three?

299. Are you a member of Mensa?

300. Have you ever made a technical joke?

301. ...in the last week?

302. ...that no one around you understood?

303. ...and you found yourself trying to explain it?

304. ...that everyone around you understood?

305. ...but their reason for laughing was not yours?

SECTION 6: Leisure Time - Nerd Toys

306. Have you ever bought something from Radio Shack?

307. Do you know what an oscilloscope does?

308. Have you ever used an oscilloscope?

309. Do you own an oscilloscope?

310. Have you ever used a microscope?

311. Do you own a microscope?

312. Have you ever used a telescope?

313. ...not for peering through someone's bedroom window?

314. Do you own a voltmeter?

315. Do you own any remote controlled vehicles?

316. Do you own a CB radio?

317. Have you ever had an amateur radio license?

318. Do you still have an amateur radio license?

319. Have you ever had an extra-class amateur radio license?

320. Have you ever used a chemistry set?

321. ...since the age of 13?

322. Have you ever used a rare earth element?

323. Do you own a slinky?

324. Does a slinky make you think about oscillations?

325. Do you own a Rubik's cube?

326. Are you able to solve Rubik's Cube?

327. ...without using the book?

328. ...in less than two minutes?

329. Have you ever tried to calculate the number of possible permutations a Rubik's Cube can have?

SECTION 7: Leisure Time - TV and Movies

330. Do you watch more than 4 hours of TV on any given day of the week?

331. Can you name more than 5 shows on PBS? (inc.:A&E, Discovery Channel)

332. Have you ever watched a PBS documentary?

333. ...voluntarily?

334. ...in the last three weeks?

335. Have you ever watched C-Span for more than 5 minutes?

Have you ever watched a complete episode of...

336. ...Dr. Who?

337. ...Battlestar Galactica?

338. ...Space: 1999?

339. ...Starblazers? (cartoon about the WWII carrier flying through space)

Can you whistle, hum, sing or snap the theme songs to...

340. ...Gilligan's Island?

341. ...Flintstones?

342. ...The Brady Bunch?

343. ...The Jetson's?

344. ...The Addam's Family?

344. ...Dobbie Gillis?

346. ...I Dream of Genie?

347. Have you ever seen any of the "Revenge of The Nerd" movies more than once?

348. Have you seen all of the Star Wars movies?

349. ...in one 24 hour period?

350. Have you ever watched something and stated "that's physically impossible" (due to Newton's laws, etc.)?

SECTION 8: Leisure Time - Books and Magazines

Have you ever read anything by...

351. ...Douglas Adams?

352. ...Isaac Asimov?

353. ...Arthur C. Clarke?

354. ...Robert H. Heinlein?

355. ...Piers Anthony?

356. ...J.R.R. Tolkein?

357. ...TSR Hobbies? (i.e. a novel published by the D&D people)

358. ...Richard Feynman? (e.g. his lectures, etc.)

359. ...Stephen Hawkings?

360. ...Carl Sagan?

361. Have you ever read -Cultural-Literacy- or any other book on "what you, as an intelligent person, should know"?

362. Have you ever read -Innumeracy- or any other book about mathematics made popular?

363. Do you read books on a daily basis?

364. Have you finished a book in the last week?

365. Have you finished more than one book in the last week?

366. Have you ever bought a book of crossword puzzles/logic problems?

367. Do you read archaic computer manuals for pleasure?

Do you have magazine subscriptions to...

368. ...Popular Mechanics?

369. ...Popular Science?

370. ...Omni?

371. ...Scientific America?

372. ...any computer oriented magazine? (MacWorld, PCWorld, etc.)

373. ...Computer Gaming World or other "video game" magazine?

374. ...Discover?

375. ...any medical journals? (New England Journal of Medicine)

376. ...any science periodicals?

377. ...National Geographic?

378. ...any comic book or "graphic novel"? (X-Men, Superman, Heavy Metal)

SECTION 9: Star Trek

379. Can you name or discuss the plots of more than 10 Star Trek episodes?

380. Have you seen all of the Star Trek films?

381. ...in one 48 hour period?

382. Do you refer to the various "Treks" as "TOS" (The Original Series), "TNG" (The Next Generation) and "DS9" (Deep Space 9) or similar?

383. Have you ever argued with someone over which "Trek" is better?

384. Have you ever argued over who was a better commander of the Enterprise?

385. Have you ever felt the urge to learn the Klingon language?

386. Have you ever been to a trek convention?

387. ...in the last six months?

388. Have you ever owned a pair of Spock ears (Star Trek)?

389. ...and worn them in public?

SECTION 10: Clothing and Apparel

390. Are your socks unmatched?

391. Do you own a digital watch?

392. ...that plays music?

393. ...that's currently set to chime on the hour?

394. ...that has a calculator built in?

395. Do you own a pocket protector?

396. ...and are you wearing it?

397. Do you have acne?

398. Do you have greasy hair?

399. ...without realizing it?

400. Do you own any clothing with scientific knowledge printed on it? (e.g. t-shirts with Maxwell's equations)

401. ...which you still wear from time to time?

402. Have you ever worn a radiation film badge?

403. ...while not in the laboratory?

404. ...and described what it was to someone, who then backed away in fear?

405. Are your pants too short?

406. Does your underwear have your name in it?

407. Is your outfit uncoordinated? (have someone else evaluate this)

408. Have you ever worn a button-down shirt and left the tails hanging out?

409. Have you ever bought similar looking shirts/pants in order to save time when dressing because "everything goes together"?

410. Do you wear glasses?

411. ...held together by adhesives? (tape, glue, boogers)

412. Is your vision worse than 20/40? (in either eye)

413. Is your vision worse than 20/80? (in either eye)

414. Do your glasses weigh more than one pound?

SECTION 11: Personality and Lifestyle

415. Have you ever slept an inverted day? (sleep at dawn, wake at dusk)

416. ...for more than one day in a row?

417. Have you ever slept round the clock? (24 continuous hours in bed)

Which of the following have you used to prevent sleep?

418. ...Caffeine?

419. ...exercise?

420. ...Vivarin?

421. ...NoDoz?

422. ...something you made in chem. lab?

423. ...something you found in chem. lab?

424. Have you worked for an engineering or manufacturing firm?

425. ...in the last 3 months?

426. ...and gotten credit at a school for doing so?

427. Have you worked in a research lab?

428. ...and been more interested in the work than the pay?

429. Have you ever visited a power plant? (Hoover Dam, nuclear plant, etc.)

430. ...and not been bored?

431. Are you socially inept?

432. Was the last naked person you saw a hi-res computer scan?

433. Do you talk to yourself?

434. ...when other people are around?

435. Do you talk to imaginary people?

436. ...do they talk back?

437. ...do they seem to be more/less intelligent than you?

438. Do you have a tough time remembering people's names?

439. ...but no trouble with their numeric data? (phone#, SS#)

440. Have you ever played mathematical games with other numbers you see to pass the time? (square/cube root, prime factors of phone#)

441. Do you see everyday situations as representing mathematical concepts?

442. Do you look at quantitative factors when participating in social events? (ex: choosing drinks by % alcohol rather than taste)

443. Mark this true if you did NOT go to your senior prom.

444. Did you go stag to your Senior Prom?

445. Have you ever found a grammatical error in a published book?

446. Have you ever quoted a piece of literature from memory? (poem, quote)

447. Have you ever eaten pizza cold?

448. ...do you like it that way?

449. ...because you're too lazy to reheat it?

450. Have you ever gotten pizza delivered to the lab/office/science building?

451. Is any leftover delivery food currently residing in your refrigerator?

452. ...that's been there so long, you can't remember ordering it?

453. ...that's been there so long, it's become mobile/sentient?

454. Is any food in your refrigerator moldy?

455. Have you ever commented on the lack of intellectual ability found in a "JEOPARDY" contestant?

456. Have you ever contemplated the meaning of life/existence of God?

457. ...while not drunk?

458. ...while alone?

459. Have you ever thought about extra dimensions/parallel universes?

460. ...and discussed their possibilities with others?

461. Have you come to any conclusions about UFO's/life on other planets?

462. ...and used Time-Life's "Mysteries of the Unknown" series as a factual reference to support your claim?

463. Have you ever commented: "If I drive fast enough at the red light, it'll appear green."

464. Have you ever found yourself discussing one of the popular scientific theories of the day with someone you just met? (cold fusion)

465. ...did they bring it up because they thought you incapable of talking about non-technical topics?

466. Have you ever taken part in an experiment to prove/disprove one of the popular scientific theories of the day? (cold fusion, big bang)

467. Have you ever thought about reviving the dead? (Frankenstein)

468. ...for sexual purposes?

469. ...and had some degree of success?

470. ...but been laughed at by a leading medical institution?

471. Have you ever given an inanimate object a name? (inc.: stuffed animal)

472. Was the object something electronic or mechanical?

473. Did the object also have a "personality"?

474. Have you ever compared and contrasted two scientists? (Einstein vs. Newton, etc.)

475. Have you ever argued with someone else over which of two scientists was better?

476. Have you ever argued with someone over which of two computer types/OS's is better? (Macintosh vs. IBM, UNIX vs. VMS)

477. Have you ever laughed out loud at a joke written in a serious scientific paper? (Feynman's lectures, textbook)

478. Has anyone ever called you a geek/nerd?

479. ...in the last two weeks?

480. ...for doing/saying something you knew to be geeky?

481. Have you ever intentionally done something that you consider geeky?

482. ...in the last month?

483. ...today?

SECTION 12: The Nerd Test

484. Are you taking this test alone?

485. Are you currently reading this test on a computer screen?

486. Are you planning to double-check your answers to this test?

487. Do you feel the need (or are you currently using) a calculator to score the test?

488. Are you computing your score in scientific notation?

489. Have you contemplated writing a computer program that would ask and/or tabulate questions found on this test?

490. Are you currently scoring this test in reverse? (i.e. Assuming 100% nerd and deducting for each 'no'?)

491. Have you come across copies of this test from two separate sources?

492. If you are still reading this test, do you really need a test score to prove you are a nerd?

493. Is your nerdity test score higher than your purity test score?

494. Did you feel offended by any of the questions on this test?

495. Did you resort to lying in order to raise your score?

496. Did you resort to lying in order to lower your score?

497. Are you currently competing with someone else for the highest score on this test (or were contemplating it)?

498. ...did you come up second best and challenge them to a rematch?

499. Have you asked for a technical clarification of anything on this test?

500. Have you ever thought of a question that belongs on this test?

Please put your pencils down. That's it! Hope you enjoyed it!

To analyze your Nerdity Quotient, divide your total number of "yes/true" responses by the total number of questions and compare to this list.

Ranking:

0 - 20 Nerd-wannabe

21 - 30 Nerd-in-Training

31 - 35 Closet nerd

36 - 40 You dress like people in Walmart ads

41 - 45 You refuse to live anywhere without pizza delivery service

46 - 50 Your social life needs some serious help

51 - 55 YOU need some serious help

56 - 60 You are on first name basis with Radio Shack employees

61 - 65 Your best friend is a microchip

66 - 70 Bill Gates and E. Gary Gygax are your heroes

71 - 75 You own more surge protectors than cooking utensils

76 - 80 "Revenge of the Nerds" poster-child

81 - 85 Hoping to invent Warp Field Theory or transporter technology

86 - 90 Desperately seeking cybernetic interface implanted in your brain

91 - 99 Move over, Einstein

100 Hail, O Nerd Master, virgin sliderulers I sacrifice unto you

Funny

2008-07-14T16:20:00.000+07:00

Really Funny picture

verify

2008-07-14T16:19:00.001+07:00

Undergoing MyBlogLog Verification

Question and answer Clinton joke

2008-07-14T16:15:00.000+07:00

Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements?

A: So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.

Jokes of science 01

2008-07-14T16:06:00.000+07:00

At the physics exam: 'Describe the universe in 200 words and give three examples.'

Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at baseball games?
A: The 'wave'.

The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC. SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.

A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?

Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.

The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)"

One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum. He described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute. He said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton. As they sat down on a bench, there was a moment of passion. It was then that he discovered that AB did not equal BA.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Economic pressures

2008-07-14T16:03:00.000+07:00

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Faced with economic pressures, many commercial offices are cutting back on costs wherever possible, in an attempt to remain profitable.

At one particular office, employees are taking management's belt-tightening orders seriously:

"I'm taking home only half the office supplies I used to", one staffer notes

If the Government Stops Funding Space Exploration...

2008-07-14T08:14:00.002+07:00

One-liner about business

2008-07-14T07:27:00.002+07:00

1. Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.

2. It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.

3. A little ignorance can go a long way.

4. Without data, yours is just another opinion.

5. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

6. The trouble with life is that it's a do-it-yourself kit without instruction

7. Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

8. If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.

9. Extremes meet.

10. A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. - Franklin D. Roosevelt

Question and answer Clinton joke

2008-07-14T07:22:00.000+07:00

Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?

A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

Doing this great deed

2008-07-13T07:42:00.000+07:00

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

Entering into Heaven

2008-07-13T07:28:00.000+07:00

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

You Can't Say Your Tax Dollars Are Just "Wasted"...

2008-07-13T07:14:00.001+07:00

Dealing with a lawyer

2008-07-13T07:12:00.000+07:00

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Picking a punishment

2008-07-13T06:59:00.000+07:00

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.

So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"

What should they say?

2008-07-13T06:46:00.000+07:00

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

Like We Said... This War is about Chemical Weapons...

2008-07-13T06:39:00.002+07:00

enjoy....

Is Windows a virus?

2008-07-12T10:07:00.000+07:00

With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.

Maybe Windows really is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.

The problem is at your end

2008-07-12T10:00:00.000+07:00

One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

Floppy disk care

2008-07-12T09:57:00.001+07:00

By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.

1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.

4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.

6.Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.

7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.

8. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)

10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

Top Ten Ways Y2K Will Affect Disney World

2008-07-12T09:49:00.000+07:00

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.

8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.

7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.

6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."

5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.

4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.

3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."

2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.

1. Two words: catapulting teacups.

Would you define OCR?

2008-07-12T09:47:00.000+07:00

OCR - Optical Character Recognition

A technology that can take written words and convert them back into computer-readable form, provided they're in the right font, using the correct colors sometimes, at the right point size and pitch, dark enough on the paper, and you're prepared to spend several centuries correcting all the 1's that came out as l's, all the O's that came out as 0's, and all the :'s that come out like ;'s.

Bill Gates picks his own punishment

2008-07-12T09:40:00.000+07:00

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

Types of computer viruses

2008-07-12T09:33:00.000+07:00

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

Making a bet at a bar

2008-07-12T09:31:00.000+07:00

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

You looked a lot like my wife

2008-07-12T09:30:00.000+07:00

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

I didn't get any money this time

2008-07-12T09:18:00.000+07:00

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

Arriving home very drunk

2008-07-12T09:02:00.000+07:00

Arriving home very drunk

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

Who can say this sentence?

2008-07-12T08:28:00.000+07:00

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

Looking to buy a frog?

2008-07-12T08:20:00.000+07:00

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Find out about the cat

2008-07-12T08:13:00.000+07:00

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides.

During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.

The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"

What Am I?

2008-07-12T08:06:00.000+07:00

Two animals meet in the woods, both blind since birth. Neither one knows what kind of animal it is, so they decide to feel each other to try to figure it out.

"What do I feel like," the first animal asked. "You have soft fur all over you, strong back legs, big back feet, a puffy little cotton tail, two long ears, and a twitchy little nose." The first animal, full of joy, exclaimed, "I know what I am! I'm a bunny rabbit."

"Now it's my turn," said the second animal. The bunny felt him, describing, "You're very long, narrow, and low to the ground. You're cold, and slimy. You have long, sharp fangs and a little forked tongue that keeps darting out of your mouth."

"Damn," sobbed the second animal. "I'm a lawyer."

Sensible Shoes

2008-07-12T07:57:00.000+07:00

Two lawyers walking through the woods attracted the attention of a vicious-looking bear. The bear noticed them, and started to walk toward them.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulling out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"Oh, I know that. Bears are much faster than humans. I have no hope of ever being able to outrun a bear."

"If you know that, why are you changing shoes?"

"Well, the way I figure it," the first lawyer replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."

I Have To Sleep With What?

2008-07-12T07:46:00.002+07:00

Chicago sent its police chief, fire chief, and city attorney to a municipal management conference in Indiana. While driving through a rural area, their car broke down, and they sought assistance at a nearby farmhouse.

The farmer told them that the local garage was closed, and that they were welcome to spend the night, but that he only had one spare bed. He told them that somebody could sleep on his couch, but that one of them would have to spend the night in his barn.

The police chief announced that he would volunteer to sleep in the barn. A short time later there was a knock at the door. It was the police chief, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, and they reminded him of insults that had been yelled at him, and he was too disturbed to sleep.

The fire chief stated that he would trade with the police chief, and went out to the barn. A short time later, again there was rapping at the door. It was the fire chief, who complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow, that started the great Chicago fire. He had tried to sleep, but kept having nightmares where they were kicking over lanterns and setting the barn ablaze.

The city attorney declared, "You two are such babies. I will go sleep in the barn." Everything seemed fine, until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, they found the very indignant cows and pigs.

Professional Courtesy

2008-07-12T07:44:00.000+07:00

Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters?

He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer.

To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore.

When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."

Medical Experiments

2008-07-12T07:42:00.000+07:00

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced a new standard for medical testing.

Testing on rats will be terminated, and in the future live animal testing will be performed using lawyers. The NIH presented the following explanation for its decision:

Some lab assistants were becoming quite attached to their rats, and it was important to find an alternative which would not inspire emotional involvment.

The population of attorneys grows at a faster rate than the population of rats.

Lawyers contribute less to society, and thus are more expendable than rats.

Animal rights societies do not oppose experimentation on lawyers.

There are some things even a rat won't do.

The NIH is trying to resolve concerns raised by this change, that using lawyers for testing may render it more difficult to extrapolate test results to human beings.

It's Your Duck

2008-07-12T07:41:00.000+07:00

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer replied, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I'm going in to retrieve it."

The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The lawyer huffed angrily, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you."

The old farmer smiled. "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.

Do You Serve ...

2008-07-12T07:36:00.000+07:00

A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," said the bartender.

"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

The Brass Rat

2008-07-12T07:35:00.000+07:00

A man, visiting San Francisco, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to be forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man's curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn't seem to have much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting items. The man found himself strangely interested in a rather ugly brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. Ugly it was, but he had never seen anything like it -- it was so incredibly detailed, and life-like. He asked the shopkeeper for a price.

The man was pleased to learn that he could acquire the rat for only $5, and he handed the shopkeeper the money. But, before giving the man the rat, the shopkeeper sternly warned him, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances."

The man thought the warning was curious, given that the rat only cost $5. Even if he decided he hated the rat, that was hardly an amount worth worrying about. He agreed to the shopkeeper's terms, and left with the rat.

At first, everything seemed perfectly normal. But as he walked back toward his car, the man started to hear strange rustling noises around him. Then he saw a life rat scurry out of an alley, and start to follow him. Suddenly, rats seemed to be appearing all around him, streaming out of sewers and dumpsters, all following him and milling about his feet.

The man began to run, but the rats kept up in increasing numbers. The man realized that he was being chased by literally tens of thousands of rats. The ground came alive, as the rats swarmed behind him.

The man suddenly realized the significance of the shopkeeper's warning, and knew what he had to do. He turned toward the bay, and ran as quickly as he could toward the water. When he reached the waterfront, he threw the brass rat as far as he could into the bay. The rats raced past him, following the brass rat into the water, where they drowned.

The man returned to the curio shop, and upon seeing him enter the shopkeeper shouted, "I told you, no refunds. I don't want trouble here. The sale was final, and you can't return the merchandise."

The man smiled, and replied, "Oh, I don't want to return the rat. I just want to know -- do you have a brass lawyer in stock?"

Bear With Me...

2008-07-12T07:31:00.002+07:00

A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends to come to visit him.

One summer he invited a lawyer from the Czech Republic to visit. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czech friend were walking through the woods, they were approached by two huge bears -- a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing at the bear that had consumed his friend. "Quick -- shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!"

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The startled male fled into the woods.

"Why did you do that?" demanded the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?

How Far Was It?

2008-07-12T07:31:00.001+07:00

At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.

"Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.

The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir."

"How far away were you when the accident happened?"

"I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision."

"Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?"

The witness was unphased. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance."

Farmer John's Mule

2008-07-12T07:30:00.003+07:00

Farmer John was injured when a truck hit his pick-up, and he filed a lawsuit against the driver who hit him. When the case went to trial, the truck driver's big city lawyer questioned farmer John."After the accident, did you not say to the sheriff's deputy, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Farmer John answered, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."

"I did not ask you about your mule," the lawyer interrupted, "I asked you about your statement to the sheriff's deputy. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Farmer John answered, "Like I was saying, I loaded Bessie into the trailer, and I hitched it to my pick-up truck...."

The lawyer angrily turned to the judge. "Your honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the sheriff's deputy on the scene that he was just fine. Now, many months after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. If his case is not a fraud, he should be able to answer my question with a simple 'yes' or 'no.' Please tell him to simply answer the question."

The judge, somewhat curious about the mule, responded, "Let's hear what he has to say. If he doesn't get around to answering your question, we'll deal with it after we find out about Bessie."

Farmer John thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, Bessie was in my trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge truck ran the stop sign and smacked my truck. My pick-up went into the ditch, and the trailer tipped over. I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, and I knew that she was in a bad way, but I was hurtin' real bad and I couldn't even move. Then, the deputy came, and he could hear Bessie, so he went over to her. He looked at her for a moment, then he took out his gun and he shot her right between the eyes. Then the deputy came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked me right in the eyes, and asked, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

Farmer John's Mule

2008-07-12T07:30:00.001+07:00

The Car Wreck

2008-07-12T07:27:00.000+07:00

A doctor and a lawyer got into a car accident, on a small country road. The lawyer had figured that nobody else would be on the road, and had raced through a stop sign. The doctor, on a cross street, had no time to react and couldn't have missed the lawyer if he had tried. Fortunately, neither driver was hurt.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from his battered car and offered him a drink from a hip flask.The doctor accepted, took a deep drink, and handed the flask back to the lawyer. The lawyer held the flask for a minute or two, and gave it to the doctor again. The doctor took another swig. He again returned the flask to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Not now," answered the lawyer. "I'll have something after the police leave."

How To Write A Good E-mail Subject Lines That Works?

2008-06-25T10:47:00.001+07:00

Topic 1 ~ Your Email Subject Lines ~

How To Write A Good E-mail Subject Lines That Works?

Here are the 5 tips:

1. Ask a question. One of the best ways to get a reader's attention is to ask a question. But like a trial lawyer questioning a witness on the stand, make sure it'll get you the response you're looking for. "What's the best way to grow your business?" is a great subject line for business owners. After all, what business owner wouldn't want to grow his or her business? Or let's say you run a health club. An e-mail with the subject line, "How can you lose 5 pounds in one month?" would certainly be compelling. It's important your question be relevant to your audience.

2. Be a tease. A clever subject line can be enticing. When it's done right, reader curiosity is piqued. They want to know more--and they'll open your e-mail. Writing a teaser-style subject line requires some creativity, and your content needs to deliver. A company that sells high-definition TVs could use the subject line, "You're not going to believe your eyes" as a teaser to introduce a new addition to their product line.

3. Tell it like it is. Often, what works best is to say exactly what you want your reader to know. Examples of this straightforward approach are, "Sale on all sweaters this weekend," "Master jazz pianist plays live this Friday" and "The seven secrets of a profitable business." This just-the-facts approach works especially well when you can appeal directly to your audience's interests. It's also the best approach to use when you send a newsletter.

4. Remember "WIIFM". When a person gets your e-mail, the first thing they consider is "what's in it for me?" They have a decision to make. Do they open your e-mail, leave it for later or delete it? If there isn't something about the subject line that lets them know why it's worth their precious time to see what's inside, then the choice will be clear. Keep WIIFM in mind when creating every aspect of your e-mails, including the offer, content, images--and most definitely the subject line. It's all about them. They know that; just make sure you know it, too.

5. Get personal. The more you can make each contact feel you're speaking directly to them, the more effective your communication will be. Whatever style of subject line you use, you can make it personal by using the word "you." Professional copywriters know the secret of using this powerful little word. Just look at the advertisements, mail and e-mail you receive. A few examples are, "Find the right swimsuit for you," "You can save 50 percent on travel," and "You'd look phenomenal in a custom-tailored suit." "You" is ideal, but "your" works too.

6. Not sure which approach is right for you? Try them all, and then show a friend or colleague to get their feedback. Pick the one you believe will be most effective for your audience. Whichever approach you choose, it's always worth spending the time and effort to write a great subject line. Because if your readers don't open your e-mail, they'll never have the chance to read the important message you've created for them inside.

Topic 2 ~ Increase Click-Through Rate (CTR) ~

How to Increased Click-Through Rate (CTR)?

Here are some guidelines:

1. Include a feature, a benefit, and an advantage in the opening. This needs to be used in a subtle way, but in the opening you're really doing a small marketing job for this issue of your email newsletter. Highlight an article or two that are important, explain what you're providing the readers that they won't get elsewhere, and tell them what the benefit will be. A great example is something like "Nokia and Sprint announced second quarter earnings today. Learn what our Wireless Week experts say about the results, and what effect you can expect them to have on the industry at large."

2. Put the email newsletter in the context of your readers' day. This goes hand in hand with the last point. Your readers are busy, and if you can make a compelling case for why they should stop what they are doing and take a few minutes now to read your email newsletter, you'll get them in. We recommend editors reference important events, upcoming trade shows, or other things that say to the reader "You will find it worthwhile to stop and read this email newsletter now, because the information in it will help you stay on top of your business."

3. Keep it fresh. Don't craft a "perfect paragraph" and use it issue after issue after issue. One of the keys to success is to keep the copy fresh and highlight items in that issue of the email newsletter. If you use the same generic language repeatedly, people will stop reading it and it'll be a waste of your time.

4. Keep it short. This is critical. We recommend no more than two to three sentences -- just enough to get them interested and pull them in to read the rest of your email newsletter.

Try it out and see the results! This is just one of the simple things you can do to engage your reader and optimize your CTR.

Topic 3 ~ Killer Email Sales Letter ~

How to Write Killer Email Sales Letter That Get Results?

Here are what we've found works best. Use these tips properly and your results will skyrocket.

1. Your email "from" sender line should be your brand name or company name and stay consistent. Use your own personal name only if that is your brand image.

2. Send emails only when you have something to say that will benefit the reader. No fluff. No filler. You must be relevant. If you can't be, don't send an email until you have something beneficial to say.

3. Start your emails with the specific benefit the reader can get from your message. You have no more than 3 seconds to pass the crucial "what's in it for me?" test.

4. The copywriting tone and language should be personal and conversational, instead of stuffy and "corporate".

5. Make a specific offer to the reader and, if possible, include a short deadline by which he must respond to get it.

6. Use as much copy as is needed to fully pile on all the benefits the reader will get by ordering, answer objections, create urgency, and close the sale.

7. Test your subject lines and offers on small segments of your list before you send the email to your entire list.

8. Include "Email this to a friend" service in all your communications for pass along and viral marketing.

Topic 4 ~ Good Call-to-Action ~

Get More Clicks With a Good Call-to-Action!

The call-to-action is a determining factor of your click-through rate. It is an important component of your email copy because it answers three important questions for the recipient. They are:

1. What you want them to do

2. Why they should do it, and

3. How to take that next step.

Whatever action you want your recipients to take, you can make it happen more often with a good call-to-action. First, decide what you want them to do:

1. Buy something

2. Sign up for a service

3. Fill out a form

4. Read an article or get more information

5. Visit your website or store

6. Make an appointment

Etc…

Then, make sure you incorporate these 6 characteristics to get the results you're looking for. Make your call-to action:

1. Visible - People read, react, make decisions and take action differently. Some make decisions right away ("You had me at hello.") and some need more details ("I'm from Missouri."). Place call-to-action links in the beginning, middle and end of the email so that recipients can click whenever they are ready.

2. Clear - Stick to simple words, short phrases, bulleted benefits and paragraphs of 1-3 short sentences. Include appropriate graphics and cut the clutter by making effective use of white space.

3. Compelling - Use action-oriented verbs and phrases: "buy now," "call today," "save" and so on.

4. Rewarding - Offer an incentive or reward for action. For example, "Act now and also receives...," or "the First 100 respondents will be entered into a raffle to win..." The giveaway, or prize, you choose should be closely related to your product or service. That way, you will be targeting customers who are interested in what you have to offer, not just the latest gadget.

5. Urgent - The longer an email sits in an inbox, the less likely it is to be acted on. Create a sense of urgency to get a more immediate response. Try limiting the offer to a specific time period, to the "first 50 customers," "while supplies last," etc.

6. Direct - Your call-to-action links should go to the appropriate page on your website with more details on the specific product or service you're promoting. If you don't have a website, the call-to-action might be store locations to visit or a number to call for an appointment.

Keep in mind that, in addition to repeating your call-to-action, you can vary your call-to-action to appeal to different types of buyers (and to fit your sales cycle). For example: "Click here to buy now" will naturally work better with loyal customers. The softer, "Click here to learn more" may be better for newer prospects.

Topic 5 ~ Avoid Common Pitfalls ~

Read Your Email Message Backwards to Avoid Common Pitfalls

Here are some common problems to look out for:

1. Misspelled words - It's a good idea to spell-check a document, but it's not enough. A spell checker won't catch every error.

2. Wrong word used - This is why a spell checker isn't enough. A spell checker will only flag words it doesn't recognize. It can't tell if a legitimate word is used incorrectly. Some words commonly confused: accept, except; your, you're; then, than; there, their, they're; cite, site, sight; lay, lie; loose, loosen, lose. Also, look out for a missing "r" in the word "your." It's easy to overlook a sentence such as "Visit our Web site now to receive you free copy."

3. Grammar error - Again, if you know you're not a good writer, have someone else check your writing for grammatical errors. Mistakes make you look bad.

4. Punctuation error - This is another area where you'll benefit from a review by someone who knows their stuff. If you're determined to do it yourself, purchase a good grammar or style book. One of the most common punctuation problems: Too many stupid commas!

5. Vague or confusing statement - Make sure every sentence is crystal-clear. You don't want your promotional message to raise more questions than it answers.

6. Illogical statement - Read over what you have written slowly. At the end of each paragraph, ask yourself: "Did that make sense?" Rewrite so that it does.

Topic 6 ~ Frequency of Sending Emails ~

How Often (Frequency) Should You Send Email?

There's no quick answer to the frequency question. It depends on the goals for your email and the type of content you send. Some rough guidelines:

1. Mail at least once a month. Mail less often than this, and you risk being forgotten by recipients. Monthly is the bare minimum if you want to keep your brand or company name top of mind (a common email goal).

2. Let content be your guide. Look at what you provide readers and you'll get a feel for proper frequency. Analyze how often the information changes and how quickly readers must receive it to act on it.

3. Work within your resources. A daily email requires many more resources than a monthly. Better a well-done monthly email than shoddy weekly or daily. It's recommended to start with a monthly. Once that's going smoothly, they can think about moving to weekly. You need to walk before you can run!

4. Watch for trends. Declining response, open, and click-through rates can be signs of list fatigue. Though some decrease is normal, watch carefully and cut back frequency if you see a problem. Don't assume if the unsubscribe rate is stable you're OK. Many people prefer to forward email directly to their delete folder rather than unsubscribe.

Topic 7 ~ Understanding Spam Filters ~

Understanding Spam Filters to Avoid Your Emails Get Junked!

If you send email campaigns long enough, you will inevitably run into spam filter issues. On average, you can expect 10-20% of your emails to just get lost in cyberspace, mostly due to overzealous spam filters. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix. If you want to avoid getting your emails junked by spam filters, you have to understand how they work.

Generally speaking, spam filters look at a long list of criteria to judge whether or not your email is junk. For example, they might look for spammy phrases like "CLICK HERE!" or "FREE! BUY NOW!". They'll assign points each time they see one of those phrases. Certain criteria get more points than others. Here's a sample of criteria from Spam Assassin, one of the most popular spam filters out there:

• Talks about lots of money (.193 points)

• Describes some sort of breakthrough (.232 points)

• Looks like mortgage pitch (.297 points)

• Contains urgent matter (.288 points)

• Money back guarantee (2.051 points)

• Why Pay More? (1.249 points)

It's easy to use "spammy" keywords in your email without even knowing it. Here are some common ways marketers unwittingly trigger spam filters with their campaigns:

1. Using spammy phrases, like "Click here!" or "Once in a lifetime opportunity!" too many times in your email. Sometimes, you can't avoid phrases like "FREE SHIPPING!" but use them sparingly, and don't do anything else risky.

2. Going crazy with exclamation points!!!!!!

3. USING ALL CAPS, WHICH IS LIKE YELLING IN EMAIL

4. Coloring their fonts bright red, or green

5. Coding sloppy HTML (such as by converting a Microsoft Word file to HTML)

6. Creating an HTML email that's nothing but one big image, with no text (since spam filters can't read images, they assume you're a spammer that's trying to trick 'em)

7. Using the word "Test" in the subject line (agencies run into this all the time, when sending drafts to clients for approval)

Topic 8 ~ Why Email Marketing Does not Work? ~

If Your Email Marketing Does not Work, Think Again Why?

Before you arrive at the faulty conclusion that email marketing doesn't work, let’s look at this from a different perspective for a moment that would make your emails ineffective.

First there's what you are writing in the body of the email. If this is your first attempt to get in touch with a prospect, what are you putting in the email? A dissertation? If it's longer than one or two paragraphs, it's too long. Look at your emails like an initial cold call. You need to laser in and deliver a compelling opening statement that's going to grab their interest and stimulate a conversation. Because there's no one to cut you off in an email or stop you from persistent pontification, people have tendency to ramble on and on in an email, giving the prospect the life story of the product or service they want them to consider. Keep it short and focus on the one or two benefits, opening up the opportunity to have a dialogue. That's it.

Second, are you sending attachments in the first email? No attachments! It's hard enough sending an unsolicited email to a prospect. Now you're adding more barriers and increasing the chances of your email winding up in their spam box or junk email folder. Some people have filters on their email that if an attachment is sent it automatically gets deleted. No attachment until that information in the attachment is solicited by the person.

Third, html or text? Once again, with all the email filters people use today, you will increase your odds by sending a text message only rather than trying to get fancy with formatting, graphics and pictures. The prospect really doesn't care about how beautiful your email looks; they care about the core message. Besides, they will never even get a chance to see your beautiful masterpiece in an html email if it's winding up in the trash.

Finally, you are using way too many spam words. As mentioned, the biggest enemy to email marketing or selling via email is the additional security that companies and individuals have on their network or computer. As such, the specific words you are using in the body of the email can be the culprit who is sending your email directly into the trash or spam box. In other words, you are using words that are often identified is spam and in turn, you email is getting flagged and deleted. Not even eye contact! The prospect is not getting a chance to, at the very least, see your email let alone read it and have a chance to respond accordingly.

Ending ~ Please Forward ~

Making Money Online With Affiliate Marketing Programs

2008-06-25T10:31:00.000+07:00

As more people start to use the internet everyday the opportunity to make money online with affiliate programs only becomes better and more lucrative. Every person online is a potential customer and hundreds of thousands of people log in to the internet every day, not to mention those who already use the internet daily. By putting these groups of people together you can imagine the the possibilities for affiliate programs are great. Although, you do have to look at making money with affiliate programs like the business that it is, in knowing that it's not going to come as easy as the numbers suggest.

There are some misconceptions involved when most people enter into affiliate programs without being schooled on the basic facts. This mostly stems from the advertising methods sometimes used by those who promote them. Some advertisers can make outlandish promises and make affiliate program profit seem so simple that you wonder why everybody isn't doing it. You'll give yourself a good chance of success if you understand that making money online with affiliate programs is not an effortless path to wealth and security. However, your financial goals can be achieved depending on your current situation. If you happen to be unhappy with your current career, then you should not overlook the opportunity that affiliate programs offer you.

Here are two steps that will help you make money online with affiliate programs.

Choose an affiliate program that links to a current interest of yours. By this, I means you should get started in an area that you are drawn to naturally, a subject that you know. The reason behind this is that the money you make in the beginning will be small, so promoting something you enjoy and love will perhaps give you the drive to push past the lean beginning stages until you reach a point where your affiliate sales are constant and you are profitable. When you make money with affiliate programs you are basically running your own home business. At the start of any business you can't expect to be in the profit right away. On the contrary, you will probably have to work long and hard at the beginning, and keep a budget along the way. These sacrifices might be something that cause you to give up on your business if it isn't something that you believe in. Your profits will pour in, sooner or later, from a labor of love.

Build a website with content related to your affiliate program. Building content sites is easy with the advent of blogs and squidoo lenses. They are an easy and organized means to adding content to a blank canvas of a website that you can customize with content and links to your affiliate sales page. The great this is that if you are unfamiliar with how to use and manipulate blogs and lenses for your own purposes, most sites that offer these free websites offer more than ample help to get you started. The content of your new site will be intricately related to the products and services you hope to sell. You will want to provide solid and honest information about your goods, and try to persuade your visitors that your products will be of benefit to them. With a well organized website, making money online with affiliate programs becomes a lot easier.

***
Michael Laleye Is A Plug In Profit Site Member As Well As An Authority On Developing Home Based Affiliate Businesses. Get more Information On How To Make Money Online With Affiliate Programs. For Affiliate Business Ideas To Make Money Online, Visit: http://www.MyAffiliateStarter.com

How To Make Money From Blogs

2008-06-25T10:14:00.000+07:00

It's easy to make money from blogs. There are all kinds of programs, affiliations available to make money from blogs, in fact, even easy money.

What is a blog?

Blog is a personal space, rather a personal diary, with the difference that it is not a closed diary but one that is open to anyone to walk in and read and leave a comment. There are various types of blogs, some are business blogs, and some are social networking blogs. Some blogs are personal some are professional but most of them have a theme on which the contents are based. Creating a blog is easy, even a child make a blog.

Types of blogs

Comment blogs are the ones that offer comment on events in the writer's life. It takes a subject or incident and makes a comment which the reader may be interested in. Comment blogs often substitute for newspaper editorials. Needless to say they are a combination of news and opinions. Blogs are tools in the hands of writers to keep in touch with each other and also to inform the world about events in the writer's life. Recently, there have been instances of bloggers updating the world about events in countries that have undergone political change, when no other traditional media was allowed to cover the events.

The other type of blog is filter blog. Filter blogs are similar to comment blogs but point to other locations within the internet for articles and have minimum of content, and more of links. Owners of such blogs can be requested for links to sites, for a fee, of course. You can make money online using these blogs.

You can opt for any of these types to make money through blogging. Most blogs such as blogger.com and wordpress.com are free to subscribers and you can easily create a blog in a few steps and earn good money.

Creating a Blog

Blogs are easy to create on Blogger.com and wordpress.com. There are other blog creation sites such as typepad, and MSN's live.com. It only takes a few clicks to create a blog. Have a name that is appropriate to the theme of your blog so that they will show up in search engine results and it can also impact your ranking on search engines. For example if your blog is about mobile blogging have a name such as mobile-blogging.blogspot.com. Do not combine the two words, i.e., don't create a blog with the name as mobileblogging.blogspot.com. It's a better strategy to use the former to let search engines find your blog.

Promoting Your Blog

First of all submit your blog to the major search engines before you can earn money from blogging. Slowly, your traffic will build and you can paste a visit counter to check the progress of visitors on your blog. Also send a link to your friends and extended contact lists to visit your blog and link to you. When the number of links of your blog increases, so will your popularity and your rating with the search engines. Keep promoting your blog without let up.

Apply to Affiliate Programs

When there is a constant flow of visitors to your blog everyday you can start the process of earning money from your blog. First apply to affiliation programs which pay money to feature their ads on your blog. After registering with them copy and paste their code in the appropriate sections in your blog. Affiliate programs pay per click or pay if a sale is made through a click from your blog. So choose your affiliate program wisely.

Register with Google Adsense

Google runs their advertising program on websites and blogs which is called Google Adsense. When you register with Adsense, Google supplies you with the code that you can copy and paste on your blog. Once you do this you can track your blog's performance by registering on Google's analytical tool Google Analytics. This free analytical tool will analyze the number of visitors to your site each and also give you the demographic data of the visitors.

Do not give up. As the popularity of your blog grows, both traffic as well as ranking on search engines can only become better. So the more popular your blog the more will be your revenue from Affiliate programs and Adsense.

Most importantly, if you are seeking to make money from blogging, spread your interests across multiple revenue streams so as not to put all your eggs in one basket.

Some Good Money Making Affiliate Sites:

www.google.com/adsense

As mentioned above, Adsense is Google's advertising program and when featured on your blog can bring you revenue when a visitor clicks on the ad links. If you place the adsense code strategically on your blog then you can get more clicks. It should be right at the top of the blog, and preferably at the top right hand side. Also you can choose an ad size that is prominent enough to display it prominently on your blog.

www.amazon.com

Amazon has an affiliate program that includes products like books, CDs, office products, household products, etc. It also has a contextual advertising program in which you have to place a code in your page and all words on your page that has association with Amazon products will turn into a link. This has more chances of making money as the reader is directly reading content relating to the advertisement, and therefore has a greater chance of clicking on the ad.

www.register.com

Register.com is a website that is in the domain booking and related services realm. It has an affiliate program by which their ads can be featured on blogs and the blogger can earn referral income. For more details read the affiliate page on the website.

www.g2bux.com

Though G2bux doesn't have an affiliation program it rewards members with G2points which can be converted into cash when it reaches a certain limit. Users can find tens of ways to make money online on G2bux. It is a good site to make money from and offers a number of modules through members can earn money. Registration is free and is open to all.

www.ebay.com

Ebay.com also has an affiliate program in which bloggers can become a member. Ebay is a popular site for buying and selling used and new products and your visitors would certainly be interested in the products for sale on the site. Visit ebay.com for their affiliation program and sign up if you think it will work for you.

John P Matthew is a business writer, blogger and web content writer. He finds working on online media challenging and has contributed his writing to various online forums. He is one of the founding members of two writing-related message boards Caferati and Shakespeare and Company. At present he is with g2bux.com. To get more details, please visit http://www.g2bux.com/ . Please feel free to write feedback on this article. John P Matthew can be contacted at webmaster@g2bux.com